I'll Be Back... Told Ya.

It's been nearly four years since I last blogged on here. Whew! That is a long time! I'll try and update as thoroughly as possible here.
Highlights:

• Alexander Edward was born January 29th 2011 at 10:42 pm.

• Jason and I split up for good in April 2011; been single and loving it since.

• Loved my birth classes so much that I decided to become a Bradley instructor.

• Had another miscarriage summer '12. 

• Helped my mom to publish her first book after 30 years of writing and now act as her editor and publicist.

• Breastfed until 3 and a half and sometimes cosleeping at almost 4.

• Basically told my biological father to stick it where the sun don't shine and stay out of my life.

•  Got a new car after driving around my '99 sable for six months without the driver's window.

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So that's what you've missed since I haven't been updating. I was just reading over all of my posts and realized how far I am from that 19 year old pregnant girl those years ago. I'm happy to report that the second half of my pregnancy went quite well. Right after my last post  I discovered a different kind of birthing class. Of course everyone has heard of Lamaze. However, by that point I'd decided that I wanted a natural birth and was toying with the idea of a home birth since there are no birth centers in my area. I found that the Bradley Method classes were more geared for those who are seeking a natural birth. So I signed up... only to realize it was $250 dollars. Wowza! After asking why the price was so high, I realized this was not a single class like Lamaze... it was a 12-week series. And boy, was it worth it! My instructor let me pay her in installments and we received a student workbook and a copy of "Husband-Coached Childbirth". At first I was nervous since Jason and I had been rocky, at best and I wasn't even sure he would come with me.

As it went, Jason didn't come with to find out the gender and wasn't even living with me for about a month after that. He did attend the classes and birth and we were much more friendly by then, but after three months and endless nights where he came home drunk or not at all, spent all our money, and never helped around the house (I was working full-time and he was part-time) I was done. Aside from the fact that when he did decide to come home he never warmed to the idea of having Alex, I decided that I would much rather be a single mother than a dysfunctional family.

Now it's just Alex and I, folks. In fact, I haven't talked to Jason since October of 2011. Here's a shocker, though... not sure how many of you are aware, but my hair is naturally dark, dark, dark brown; most people just call it black, but next to black it's just a smidgen lighter. Alex, however, was born a sandy blonde! I did end up having him at home. I used a birthing tub and I gotta say... I highly recommend water births to any pregnant woman.

Now I've moved out of Iowa and am living across the river in Illinois, teaching my own Bradley classes and getting more involved with the natural, hippie community. Anyway, that's the skinny. I'l try and keep this up, but as you might have noticed... I'm horrible at blogging. Anyway, I'm back!

Nothing To Show For It

**written 10-27-10**

Wow... here we are. 25 weeks... almost 26 weeks. At the end of the 2nd trimester... and there's not much more to say about it...

I thought there would be.

There are a few things that I thought I would have accomplished and/or adjusted to by now. My body is definitely there... at 25 weeks pregnant, right where it should be. Anyone with eyes can see that. My mind, however, is lacking the "forward" progress. It's still stuck in that Wal-mart bathroom, looking at that test going "Whoa, what?!" Yes, I'm not drinking. I'm eating healthy... ish. I have the prenatal vitamins and the prenatal exercise DVD (albeit, still in the original plastic wrapping). Alex kicks me ALL THE TIME. I have the stretch marks and the inability to fit into my now packed, pre-preggo clothes... yet, it still hasn't hit. There is someone growing inside of me... a little boy. His name is Alex. He has fingers, toes, beating heart, and all that good stuff. I've seen the diddly-wink. I've seen him move around in my uterus, but I feel like it's all being broadcast from somewhere else. It just seems like I got fat and that's all.

Where is all that "joy of pregnancy" crap?? How about the healthy glow? Or the giggly feeling from feeling a life growing inside you?? I glowed for about two hours... and then I threw up. I've felt no "pregnancy joy", just sarcasm and stand-offishness. I feel weird talking to the boy, even though he ALWAYS responds. Maybe the cause and effect center of my brain is dead? Geez, I hope all this lack of maternal feelings doesn't scar the kid for life.

Another possibility I've come up with is that I've completely adapted to being pregnant. So much so, that the novelty is gone and the reason being pregnant doesn't seem like being pregnant is because it's a norm for me now. Perhaps I'll realize how different things are after the kiddo is out. It's not as far away as it used to be anymore...

40 Weeks

280 days. 6720 hours. 403,200 minutes. Each of which seems to tick by slower for every moment that I am still pregnant. Yes, I'm so far away from the finish line, but I have to say this:

Pregnancy sucks.

I remember fantasizing about being a mom four years ago... the immaculately soft and smooth belly, perfectly taut and curved. The undisputable little kicks and constant giddy-ness from everyone who even glances at your lit-up face or perfectly rounded abdomen. Even throwing up is romaticized with scenes of laughing it off as a sign of your little one's growth. Not true. Soooo not true! Of course I'm dissapointed that pregnancy didn't turn out to be the 24/7 celebration I thought it would be, but anyone can deal with not having Care Bear rainbow beams shooting out from their stomach.

But where is that pregnancy glow? Or the "joys of pregnancy" that are mutually shared by Mommy AND Daddy? How about the increased sex drive? Nope. Notta.
Looking at baby magazines cuts down my self esteem just as much as Cosmo used to. Only now, I have both rags to remind me that I'm fat, acne-ridden, and never on quite as many uppers as the models. What? How else do they maintain those plastic smiles with the chronic flatulance, acne, back-ne, chest-ne, constipation, back pain, hip pain, and dry eyes brought on by pregnancy? But that isn't really bothering me right now...

It's the 40 weeks.

Not the culmination of the 40 weeks gestation we pregnant people are made to endure, but the actual number...

Not 39, 38, or 37, but 40. Who pulled that total outta their south end? After three hours of doing math on my left hand, right hand, and the back of our mortgage bill, I finally deduced that 40 weeks is not nine months. However, nor is it ten months. Ten lunar months, yes (whatever the frick that means). But technically (which is what I like to adhere to), it is nine months and one week. That is the grand total. So while I'm trying decipher which month I'm in for the sake of all those who have never been pregnant and therefore don't understand gestation in weeks, I'm also hopelessly outta luck. There is no way that 40 can be divided by 9 and equal any whole number of days. Never, no way, no how. So pretty much... I am never ever able to be in a certain month and it drives me absolutely batty!

See... I don't understand this. Pregnant women usually want to give birth *safely* as soon as possible. Along with this, babies are typically first considered to be full-term anywhere from 35 to 38 weeks, so why the need for the extra week anyway? Why not keep it perfectly dividable? In at least a third of pregnancies (I'd guess more), women are induced, give birth naturally, and/or have c-sections before the 40 week mark anyway. After that, their just overdue and that's all they have to say. The actual percentage of people who give birth on their due dates is so incredibly small that adding that stupid, moronic 40th week is completely pointless. Plus, there's next to no way to tell which week you're ACTUALLY in. I think doctors and gestation experts are actually just trying to take advantage of hormonally unbalanced women, such as myself, to get back at us for our bitchy attitudes. Unfortunately, I can't prove any of this. All I can do is take morally and ethically unjustified advantage of "my situation" in return...

Hello, 3am sundaes.

Switching Subjects

I haven't posted much lately... yes. However, I HAVE been going insanely insane on baby sites with glitter graphics and pictures up the wazoo... but I am slowly losing interest in my own pregnancy. Imagine that! Of course, after so many weeks of the highlight of my day being that my stomach might have gotten a quarter of a centimeter bigger... I'm ready to switch subjects.

PACKER SEASON !!!!!

Oh wait... you all suck.
After watching last night's horrible performance against the Chicago Bears... I'm almost ready to switch teams. Don't get me wrong... my loyalty still lies with Green Bay... but only by a thread. Every play they MAYBE got a yard closer to a touchdown. The amount of penalties surely did them in, as well. Players were slow, defense was weak, and my interest dwindled as I fell asleep by the end of the first quarter. I woke up around the middle of the 3rd and had no more interest then than I had before.

I ended up crying when the game ended.

It had just been so hopeless... I wondered why I even set my DVR to record it. I promptly deleted it at four seconds until the end of the fourth quarter. AM I SO WRONG TO EXPECT AN IMPRESSIVE DISPLAY OF ATHLETICISM AND AGILITY BETWEEN TWO LIFELONG RIVAL TEAMS????

I suppose so. I hope Mike McCarthy reamed them out something fierce.

Screw you, Packers... you didn't deserve to win.

Target & Toys R Us

So it's that time finally. Time to pick up that scan gun and go searching for all the cool baby stuff that is too expensive to get yourself and hope someone wants to spend 179.99 on a 2-way, audio, video baby monitor for you. *fingers crossed*
Ah, well... my mother has been my fairy godmother lately, so I'm betting on the chance that, should no one get me that particular baby monitor, she'll get it. Lately, she's been so concerned with anticipating every single one of my whims, that I more often have to turn down her generosity than use it. It makes me sad, but hey... what am I going to do with three hundred receiving blankets? No exaggeration. She's making receiving blankets, I'm registering for receiving blankets, and she wants to buy me more! This was all the same day that she bought me a $50 phone for my house, one of those tech-y laptop cooler thingies, a vacuum, along with washcloths and hangers. Please shoot me if I ever say a word against my mother.

Anyway, back to subject. So I went registering today at Target. I started my registry online, but I prefer the tangibility of a store. Happily enough, one of my old high school buddies worked the guest services desk, so I got to show her the bump when I went to get the scanner. Then came an awesomeness I will never forget. TARGET. GIVES. AWAY. FREE. BABY. REGISTRY. GIFT. BAGS. Yes. It is very true. Target's "register with us because we're just better in every single way" introductory packet is waaay better than anywhere else. It came with this cool environmentally friendly tote bag (although I've never really given the environment the time of day before), pampers diaper carrier (it looked more like a lunch bag), coupons (hit or miss there), the target baby registry catalog, and a $20 gift card for shutterfly.com! That last one was a doubly awesome, but everything else was pretty much just as awesome. And it was free! So, in short, Target has officially won my loyalty. I just realized how much I resembled a commercial there, but resuming the prior topic, I heart Target. I'm thinking about nixing my Toys R Us registry and just asking for Target stuff. Naw. I still need Toys R Us stuff.
I've been thinking, though. Have you ever noticed how similar Toys R Us and Target are? Merchandise is different, yes, but both use red a lot. They also have the same...

... ...

... Actually, that was pretty much it as far as similarities go. Once, when I used to work at Toys R Us, I worked the early shift and had to go straight to a Pilates class I was taking afterward. So, before I went to work, I went to Target to get a Pilates mat. I can't even count how many times someone asked for assistance. It was hilarious! I suppose it would have helped if I'd had my name tag on. You really can't miss the giant giraffe and multi-colored lettering. Sometimes I wonder if I could've gotten an employee discount on my mat that day. Oh well. In the end, I had to go back to Target because I got the wrong kind of mat, but it turned out they were cheaper, so it all worked out fine.

All's well that ends well I suppose.

Just a thought....

I am pretty random, aren't I?
I was just reading over all my entries and whatnot and realized how many times I just switch subjects... no transition time, no warning. Just *bloop* new subject! Much like this little tiddlybit. Random. And, yes, I know I've already posted today, but it's not like the "blog police" are out to get me... I hope. It's like the Loch Ness monster... he could be real, or he could not. But anyway... just had to make that observation.

...

Carry on!

I'm almost halfway there... just suck it up and shut up.

So here I am... 17 weeks, 5 days. 2 weeks and 2 days away from the midpoint, 22 weeks and 2 days away from my due date. After almost 18 weeks of being pregnant and about 3 weeks of sheer torment, I honestly wonder if my body is truly messed up. In comparison, I think my first trimester was easy. Of course, all the things I was told I would experience in the first three months are happening now. The vomiting, the overreaction, the severe nausea, the headaches, the hip aches, and other stuff that I don't remember now that I'm sitting down and have no complaints. This had better be worth it. He had better be one great frickin' kid.

I suppose I have no doubt of that, but I just wish that this preggo stuff was easier. Emotionally, mostly, but there are some physical symptoms I could do without. Then there are some other, more material, things I would change. Actually, there are only a few things I really want to say to those things:

• Belly, please pop already because I'm sick of sticking out my stomach in an effort to look more pregnant than "chubby".
• Baby, if you don't kick harder I won't know you're there and you'll worry me and then you'll be wired for stress your entire life and it'll be your own fault.
• Dr. Hagiwara, you and your "Green Foods Magma Plus" can bite me.
• Bud Light... I miss you and I hope we can be friends after this.
• People who won't tell me I'm right... I'm pregnant, I'm vulnerable, I'm going to experience a 6+ pound something shoot out of my vagina, therefore, I am right. I will be right until I have no craving to eat your face.

Yup... that pretty much covers it.